i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
