the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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