I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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