The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
