ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize