His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
