Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
