I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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