my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.