I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
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new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.