Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
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I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
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I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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