i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
