while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
