Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
