I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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