best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy