There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
