Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.