JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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