shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
