I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
did i walk over a car last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
