Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
