thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
