Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
