I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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