True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
