Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
