I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
