everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
And then he peed in my hair
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
