that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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