I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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