I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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