Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
