Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
