In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sorry my hands just texted you
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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