I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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