You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
