Duck Duck Cougar?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
