remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
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I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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