he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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