I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
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im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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