Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
