Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
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It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
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No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I need a beard to bite.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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