I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
