Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
