The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
