I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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