I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
