she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
