If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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