the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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