Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
