i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
