your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
