The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
