how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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