Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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