I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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