I think my vagina is haunted
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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