uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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